Advertisment: Come to the MCUC Bar!!

Come to MCUC's! MCUC's Rocks out 24 hours a day. Any time during the day, evening, night, or morning! MCUC's is the place.

For mad Fusion Australian Food, MCUC's.
For Cheeky homebrewed Cider, MCUC's.
For Sessions of cheap-ass Australian, Cab-Merlot, MCUC's.
For "Buckles" of Chinese Rice Vodka, MCUC's.
For playing lots of rad computergames, MCUC's.
For reading interesting books, MCUC's
For talking absolute shit with MCUC, MCUC's

MCUC's is also the only bar that serves the "Chung Lee, Wing Chung Dragon Punch" Packs a wallop that is UNBLOCKABLE.

Or, the "Chung Lee, Wing Chungtini"

Meet "Chung Lee". (My house-mate's girlfriend; Doria.)

So if you want to hang out with a completely psychotic, weirdo, loner; just come on down to Collingwood in the old Collingwood brewery/distillery building behind the Porsche building. If MCUC's not home he's probably at the "Prince Patrick" having a soda-water and talking shit. Or at Gin Palace drinking rye and talking shit. Or at Blue Diamond talking shit and throwing things at Aiden (Hi Aiden!)

MCUC's. Twenty-four hours a day, Seven days a week, Three-six-five and one quarter per annum.

Also for employment opportunities check our website:

http://www.melbournecultureuc.blogspot.com/

The work is easy but the pay is admittedly shit ($0.00ph before tax.).

Street-arts in Melbourne

The Melbourne CBD has, in the last 10 years, exploded, peppering the CBD and its surrounds with the colours and sounds a plethora of visual and musical street art.

The graffiti and stencil-art on the walls, the Council sanctioned paintings and cartoons of the Citylights project, the urban-sculpture, the idiots who cover themselves in metallic paint and pretend that they are statues, the buskers with full synthesizer kit on Fridays, the bongo-drummers on Sundays, regular buskers with guitars during the week, the street-opera, the street string-quartets, the contemporary-dancers, the break-dancers, the Parkour-artists and other kung-fu practitioners, the culture-jammers, all a grand milieu of sound and colour and movement.

Recently wandering the CBD on a sunny Saturday afternoon I came across a shipping container on Birrung-Marr. Within were about 30 people listening to a gentleman talk about clouds. I sat down in the back row for about thirty seconds and then asked a young lady next to me what the fuck this was.

"Fifteen-minute lectures" she stated and showed me a pamphlet. Satisfied I left, grinning inanely at the randomness of this. I was ecstatic just for the fact that this sort of thing existed. This city provides me with wonder upon wonder, to the point that I am constantly distracted and never get what I should be doing done.

I keep missing actual planned events for the annual Fringe Festival but it doesn't seem to matter. Melbourne is a constantly moving and changing fringe festival. Every second week there seems to be some sort of culture-jam. Whether it might be processions of zombies, pirates or "Cos"-players or a dance routine on the Flinders St Station Concourse.

So what grabbed my attention this week?

A Citylights exhibition. These are backlit pieces of pop art that are put up around Melbourne's back-alleyways. I don't know whose art this is but here you go.

Weapons of Choice

1) Bar Spoon
2) Citrus Squeezer
3) Knives (Would personally prefer a snub-ended chefs knife.)
4) Zester
5) Cork-screw
6) Muddler
7) Pourers
8) Absinthe Spoons
9) Hawthorn Stainer
10) Sieve (For double-straining.)
11) Boston Shaker

Street Fighter II Cocktails #5: Zangeif's Bloody Mariska

Ingredients

  6 cups water
  3/4 tablespoon salt
  1/2 cup finely chopped carrots
  1/4 cup chopped green bell pepper, divided
  1/2 stalk celery, chopped
  1 medium beet
  1/2 cup canned peeled and diced tomatoes
  3 potatoes, quartered
  1/3 cup butter
  1/2 cup chopped onion
  1 1/2 cups canned tomatoes
  3 cups finely shredded cabbage, divided
  1/4 cup heavy cream
  3/4 cup diced potatoes
  1 tablespoon dried dill weed
  1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper to taste
  salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

  1 Bottle of Russian Standard Vodka

Serves: 4 - 6 People


Glass: Solid wooden bowl. 

Place water, salt, carrots, 1/2 of the bell pepper, celery, beet, tomatoes, and quartered potatoes in a large stock pot over high heat. Bring to a boil. 

Melt 1/3 cup butter in a separate skillet over medium heat. Saute onions in butter until tender, approximately 5 minutes. Stir in tomatoes, reduce heat to medium low, and simmer for 15 minutes. 

Remove 1/2 cup of sauce from skillet, and set aside. Stir half of the cabbage into the skillet with remaining sauce, and continue simmering 5 minutes more, or until tender.

Remove beet from boiling liquid and discard. Remove potatoes with a slotted spoon or tongs, and place in a bowl with remaining 1 tablespoon of butter and the cream. Mash together until smooth.

Return the 1/2 cup of reserved onion-tomato sauce to the stock pot. Stir in diced potatoes, and simmer until just tender but still firm, approximately 5 minutes. Increase heat to a low boil, and stir in remaining cabbage, tomato sauce, and mashed potatoes. Reduce heat and simmer a few minutes more. Stir in remaining bell pepper, season with black pepper.

Pour in bottle of vodka, garnish with sour cream and serve.

Rooftop bars in melbourne

There are a multitude of different venues in the Melbourne CBD that run rooftop and courtyard bars. 

To list a few examples there are 

• Rooftop Bar and Cinema, @ Curtain House, Level 6, 252 Swanston Street.

• Section 8 Container Bar, @ 27-29 Tattersalls Lane.

• Transit Lounge, @ Transport Hotel Complex, Level 3, Federation Square

• Blue Diamond[1], @ Level 15, 123 Queen St 

• Riverland Bar and Café, @ Federation Wharf, St Kilda Road Melbourne

•  The Order of Melbourne, @ Level 2, 401 Swanston Street.
 

 

These venues started popping up about the time that the Victorian State Labour Government banned smoking in all non “open to the air” licensed venues (Apart from the Casino of course. But then the state government’s money has to come from somewhere doesn’t it?)

Anyways….

There is a company that seems to specialise in setting up bars that provide this experience.

Chalker Enterprises.

Chalker Enterprises. Pty. Ltd owns many fine boozing parlours such as Gin Palace[2], Madam Brussels[3], Collins Quarter[4]. They also had a hand in ‘The Order’ for a bit but I believe that relationship has ended. 

Now I did a brief stint with Chalker and they were awesome. I wish that the relationship could have lasted longer but I was stressed and really needed a holiday. (MCUC hasn’t had a holiday in about six years.) Unfortunately I was broke and need work so to Chalker I came calling. 

Now the place I wanted to work was Collins Quarter. Collins quarter is a combination café, pub, restaurant, cocktail-bar and cigar lounge (Not that they’re going overboard or anything.). It situated at the “top end” of Collins Street and caters to the general milieu of bankers, lawyers, and politicians that find this area as their natural habitat. 

Now a lot of hospitality staff consider these sorts of customers to be, in a word, cunts[5]. I will admit that they are hard to deal with. Essentially they are law, liberal arts and commerce students that are finally earning heaps of money and now think they form “Regency of the Universe”; possibly because they actually do.

But I personally don’t think they’re that hard to please. All you have to do is give them everything that they want and then politely ask them to pay for it. And because they have the money they actually do.

The food at the order looks and smells and tastes amazing. It's directed to the raging carnivore that burns inside all of us that actually want muscle tone and that wonderful feeling of being packed with delecious, roasted meat. The down-side to this is that the pub, cocktail bar and cigar lounge feel a bit ancilliary, like they're tacked on. Collins has one great product (The food.) and a range of good products, (Beer, wine, cocktails and cigars.) and these seem a little neglected. The only people who really get involved are hospitality industry types who know that these things are there (See foot-notes for reference to hospitality types.) and any of the aformentioned lawyers, bankers, politicians that have predilictions for these fine things.

I did one shift at Collins and unfortunately there was fuck all to do. Everything I could do for them was being done by somebody else and it left me a bit idle. (Which I don’t mind as long as I get paid, but anyway.) 

So they sent me packing to The Order of Melbourne.

The Order is situated opposite RMIT in the Melbourne CBD and thus caters to students, academics and for some reason, lots of cute, arty women also with lots of tattoos and the attached, big, burly dudes with lots of tattoos.

This may have something to do with fact that the place specialises in putting on shows. (Quirky fashion catwalks, burlesque, 1950s Pin-Up Girl competitions, music, comedy etc, etc…). So much fun. “Es ist like Berlin in the zee 30s ja? Zo many interezting thingz....”. 

So I got sent to work in a caberet theatre. Now will just say this: I love caberet. I love going to shows, meeting the people, hanging out, drinking interesting drinks and occasionally cheering the stage…..

Not while I’m working!

Not while I’m stressed!

It makes me jumpy and unfortunately when I get jumpy I snap at people. Not good when one is a service professional. Also I’m a complete insomniac from years of working in clubs and it’s something I'd really like to fix so when I say I want restaurant work don’t, DO NOT! send me to work in a nightclub. Jerks.

So anyways, long story short, ‘The Order’ and I did not work out. Pity. It’s a good company and they pay their very lovely bartenders very well. I would point out flaws but that would be nitpicking (A bad habit of mine.).

5 shots of whiskey for Chalker Enterprises. Great company with many fine establishments in its holster. Long may it prosper.

1) Not really outdoors I know but it is the top level of a skyscraper does have a massive balcony. The view is incredible. 

2) Not rooftop bar. As far as I know  anyway. Maybe they’re hiding something.

3) A preppy, summer sports themed, roof-top garden.

4) A watering hole and restaurant for lawyers, politicians and other miscellaneous scum from the top end of Collins

5) Most hospo kids would like to serve musicians, artists and other hospo kids all day long. This is stupid because these people have no money and thus often can’t pay. (Myself included.)

Street Fighter II Cocktails #4: Cammy's Hooligan Combination. A Sazerac.

Ingredients:

   30mL Laphroig 10 Year Old
   30mL Good Blended Scotch Whiskey
   15mL Punt e Mes
   Pinch of white pepper
   Dash of tabasco
   Absinthe Spray

Glass: Double Old Fashioned

Spray glass with Absinthe. Stir all other ingredients over ice and strain into glass.

Garnish: None.
   

Product Placement: Jim Beam in a Can

I am a footy fan.

And I like Jim Beam in a Can.

It makes me feel like a big man.

When I drink it on the tram.

Disclaimer: 

Jim Beam in no way endorses the drinking of its products on trams or in any other area where alcohol consumption is prohibited.


Please drink responsibly.

Babagello: Trattoria e Pizzeria

Babagello has a lot of promise. I love the place. Emphatically. I have one problem with it and it's not really a problem for me it's more of a problem for the place (Well it was a problem for me because I thought I had a job there and the owner decided that he couldn't afford me but "Ce la vie".)

It's not busy enough.

Seriously people. Walk two blocks from Swanston or two blocks from Swan and you're there. Its amazing.

Very italian.

But good Italian. Very good Italian. The vision the owner-operator, Peitro, has for his venue is close to perfect. Nice fittings. The food is tradionnal Italian with primi followed by pasta, pizza, and insalada, then secondi and the dolce.

And it's GOOD.

And the wine's good. Sure they don't pour at the table but if you really need to see the bottle when you buy a glass just ASK.

Nice young staff with professional full time hospitality as the backbone and young hipster women as the casuals.

A nice selection of grappa for after your meal.

It's a nice place to sit.

If I do have a problem with the place it's that some of the staff are a little too interested in their won comfort. Pietro could get rid of a couple of them and probably double his bottom line. (They're eating your stock and bitching about customers Pietro. Lose them! )

What is wrong with you people? Perfect, traditional italian and the place is empty. Come in, have a drink, have a pizza; or optionally take the pizza away. It's trattoria; that means they do that too.

Five shots of Grappa. Get in there before it disappears.

MCUC has been cooking: Coriander, Capsicum, Bean Casserole

Ingeredients:

   1 Tin of mixed beans
   2 Small Red Capsicum
   2 Medium Brown Onions
   Roots and stems of a good sized bunch of Coriander
   2 Tbs Roasted Papricka
   2 Tbs Hot Paricka
   4 Cloves of Garlic
   Juice from 1 lemon.
   Olive Oil
   Pepper and Salt

Finely dice the garlic, onions and coriander roots and stems. Heat the oil in a medium sized pot and add all plus papricka to the pot. Allow to stoften.

Roughly dice the Capsicum and add to the pot.

Wash the tinned beans until the water runs clear and add to the pot.

Season with pepper and salt and finish withthe lemon juice.

Serves: 2-4 people.

Possible Alterations: More beans equals more food
                               Green capsicum instead of red, increases vegetal notes.
                               Chilli powder for more heat.

Serving suggestion:
    Wrap in flat bread with; 'Tomato, Red-Onion, Coriander-Leaf and Lime Juice Salsa'
    Top with Sour Cream or Tzatziki.

Street Fighter II Cocktails #3: M. Bison's Psycho Skull Driving Blazer

Ingredients:

   30mL 'Stroh 80' Spiced Rum
   30mL Cognac
   1 Pinch white pepper
   1 Three-inch strip of de-pithed orange peel
   1 Spray of Absinthe

Glass: Brandy Balloon

Place Stroh 80, cognac, and white pepper in a metal jug and set alight.
Allow to burn for 1 minute
Pour into the brandy balloon. (Be fucking careful!) 
Flame orange peel into balloon and drop in.
Extinguish flame and spray with absinthe.

Serve.

This will stomp on your face with both feet.

Just what you need after a hard day of running the 'Shadaloo Crime Syndicate' and trying to achieve World Domination.

Art in Collingwood

This is the beginning of a series that I will call "Art in Collingwood". It will contain pictures of anything that I find to be art in in Collingwood and it's surrounds. I will list the locations and the artist names when I remember to note them down.

I am not going to critique the art. (I'm a food, wine, venue and hospitality-personality critic. I am not qualified to critique creative stuff.) Most of it will speak for itself

Marco Martinez

Marco!

Absolute dude. Bartender and one of the friendliest finest individuals I have met in hospitality.

Aside:
Which, bizarrely, is rare. You'd think that a job that essentially involved being nice to people would be friendlier wouldn't you? But it isn't. Many hospitality crew (There are exceptions to this; don’t get angry, I’m not talking about you…. Or am I?) are stuck up wankers, or snobby university students, or bent out of their mind on caffeine/booze or something worse. It's the way of the job I guess. It jacks you up on espresso and then brings you down with booze. And then when those don't work you try other things that are sometimes worse and sometimes better. (Yo hospo fools; try some Zen Meditation or some Tai Chi. Get off the coffee/ jameson/grappa/coke and pot train. Or try mainlining heroin.... I hear that can also calm you down....)  .

This doesn't improve personality much. Intra-staff relations in hospitality are fraught with druggy conflict. And it sometimes leaks out to the customer. I've been guilty of not being hospitable in hospitality. I got my attitude readjusted by good managers.... Unfortunately they then rammed espresso and booze down my gullet.

Back to the review.:
As I was saying Marco is a fine Gentleman. He's a bartender's bartender. A bartender to the masses, can hold his own in mixology, can flair if needs be, or even just for fun. The boy knows his craft.
I worked with him some time ago at Room680 and Love Machine. When I met him at Room he was instantly my friend (Which is something he does with everbody.) and he turned into my goto guy at the bar whenever I needed something on the floor. (Replacement drinks, etc).

Friendly, funny gregarious and never angry as far as one can tell. If he has a fault it’s that he's too nice a guy and thus has too many friends. But that's hardly a negative now is it?

5 shots of Whiskey. Wassup, Marco?! ¿Cómo estás amigo?

My First Bar Job: Room680

My first real bar job was at Room680 on Glenferrie Rd, Hawthorn.

I'd been to Room before as a punter and I sorta understood what I was getting into. Plus I had a girl that I was serious about (For the first time.) and I thought that I needed to do something to earn some pocket money so that I could show her a good time.

Room is and always has been a magnet for private school slackers. You know the ones I mean. Youths whose parents have the money or are stupid enough to be tricked into believing that they need to send their kids to private schools to give them the education that they need to become doctors or lawyers or whatever....

Aside:
No matter the amount of money parents throw at a child an idiot is still an idiot. I guess the parents get points for trying but they are aiming in the wrong direction I think. (We'll get onto what I think about the education system in Australia later.)

Back to the Review:
Anyhoo most of the rich kids in the immediate neighbourhood of Hawthorn kicked it somewhere near Glenfrerrie Rd. Room680 was the most intense. Open three or four days a week it would knockout uni-kids and "of-age" year 12 students on Tuesdays and Thursdays until 5am and then pretend it was mature on Fridays and Saturdays with the twenty somethings kicking until 7am. The music was always House and RnB of various flavours and the drinks were straight club.

Lots of flair bartending going on; mostly because when you're making drinks that boring you need something creative to do to distract yourself from going crazy. (It also makes daft 18-19yo women want to sleep with you, but anyway.)

Anyhoo, I turned up to clear tables and unblock toilets and suchlike. Not the most glamourous job but I didn't care. I just wanted some cash and I was an insomniac who liked electronic music anyway so why the 'f' not?

Fun though the place was it did have, down sides: Late starts. Late morning finishes. Filthy taskwork. Easy access to booze and easy access to drugs. (The second night I was ther I was invited into the toilets by the Saturday night promoters to smash some coke... I wasn't shy.)

The place has its problems. Apart from its propensity to get teenagers too drunk and the fact that the male toilets are the most disgusting and spartan that I have ever experienced (No seats? This blogger needs to bog badly.) it all felt kind of shallow and cheap. Nothing there seemed built to last, it smelt like an ashtray and there were too many drugs.

But it's still fun. It's like a bag of goon. You know that you shouldn't but then some idiot will suggest it just for the irony value. And then you end up having a good time. Fucked up. But a good time.

Unless you get kicked out and end up vomiting in the gutter.

Two and a half shots of whiskey. Because sometimes dirty cheapness is what you want... Or all you can afford.

Street Fighter II Cocktails #2: Blanka's Electric Green Jungle Mule.

Ingredients:

    60mL Cachaca
    15mL Midori
    60mL Ginger Beer
    30mL Lemon Juice
    Half a lime diced

Glass: Tall Glass

Muddle lime. Add booze and lemon juice and shake and tip. Top with Ginger Beer.

Garnish: Tiger Lily

This mule will kick you in the face and stun you with its killer electric buzz.

Street Fighter II Cocktails #1: Chung-Li's Wing Chung Dragon Punch

 Ingredients:

    60mL Star Anise Infused Baiju (Chinese Rice Wine Distillate)
    30mL Lychee Pulp
    30mL Pear Pulp
    30mL Fresh Lemon Juice
    3 Dashes Angostura Bitters

Glass: Shetland/Tall glass.

Add all ingredients, shake and tip.

Garnish with half a dragon fruit.

Packs a wallop that is UNBLOCKABLE.

Product Placement: 'Bartenderman'

'Bartenderman(TM) ' the Greatest Hero of them All!

He pours wine!
He pulls beer!
He mixes drinks!
He gets drunk and falls down a lot!
He's poorly paid!

What a dude, he's rad!

<Rye-whiskey not included>

Andy "Filth" Griffiths

The first time I met Andy, I was fresh and green on my first week at Cookie. I knew who he was, what he could do etc, etc. I wasn't completely in awe but I did have great respect for the man and now three years later I still do. He taught me most of what I know about spirits and almost all I know about building a flavour profile. He doesn't generally do active teaching but watching the man is some of the best education I have ever received.

 Andy’s the sort of guy who will taste anything just to know what it tastes like. Except mushrooms, (He hates mushrooms. Well some are okay.. :-p… ),  coffee (Coffee fucks his shit up which is possibly my favourite thing about him considering the other dubious things he will put in his body.) and white wine (Not enough flavour.)

And that last one is Andy to a ‘T’. He loves flavour. Matching flavours, building a flavour profile, discovering new tastes, setting them on fire to see what happens and then finding new and strange ways of ingestion or consumption for all the fine things he creates. Because he’s the creator: He created the massive Cookie Cocktail List from scratch and keeps producing all the time. Whether it’s for competitions or self-promotion or just for the hell of it he’s usually up to something. Or he’s at the golf course trying to straighten out his broken putter (Heh-heh-heh,..,Sorry Andy.).

The man, I will state unequivocally, is a genius. Intelligent, quick-witted, funny, genuine and a fully qualified chef who makes some of the best drinks I’ve ever seen.  I would say he’s wasted on bartending but he loves it so more power to him.

Keep at it buddy.

Five shots of whiskey. Because he’s number one and why should he then try any harder?

Hipsters

What to say that hasn't already been said.... One isn't sure.

Yes they're a self-absorbed bunch of young f***tards with stupid music, dumb clothing and weird haircuts but every subculture since the 20s has had that problem. (If you're unsure about this Google "zoot suits" and "flappers" and get back to me.) 

Every generation has its own dumb subculture. The 20's had wanna be gangsters and flapper women. The 30's had abject poverty so they get let off. The 40s had war (again; let off). The 50s had crew cuts and nuclear-unit families, hoopskirts, jocks and beatniks. The 60s had Vietnam and hippies, The 70s had more Vietnam and mods and rockers (Google Quadrophenia to understand), The 80s had Punks, Goths and Glam as reactions to everything that had come before, 90's had Grunge just because everybody was sick of dressing up and couldn't be fucked anymore. (And also because some heroin addicted dudes from Seattle wrote Nevermind.) And that is how we ended the Millenium. With everybody looking at Grunge and the way that Jerry dressed in ‘Seinfeld’ and thinking “God we’re intolerable dags.” 

2000 Rolls around and it’s the dawn of the hipster. At first it just trucker-hats and short-sleeve over long-sleeve T-shirts, but by 2010 no fashions anymore just whatever you want:

·         Trucker-hat with suit-jacket and a flannelette shirt and a pair of thongs[1], why not?

·         A T-shirt that says “do me sideways” in slasher font with jeggings[2] and knee high military boots. Sure….

·         Cabbie hat, Nerd Glasses, Goatee, Turtle-neck…. Hang on you’re just a beatnik, oh wait you’re wearing raver pants and you’re riding an inline skateboard to prove how 31373 you are. Cool…

·         Toga, Medusa haircut, Christmas-lights and Ugg-boots. “Are you going fancy-dress or have you escaped from a mental institution? Neither? Cool, be on your way then…. No wait a minute!”

This is out of control. I was a grungy/surfie when I was a teenager just because I couldn’t afford clothes because I had spent all my money on being in coffee houses, on music and on video-games, which is what these so called adults are doing right now. What I liked doing as a teenager is now cool. That’s not fair, that’s what I call brutal irony.

Now I don’t care about being cool anymore, all the cool kids are doing my thing and it’s getting crowded in the café and I want some peace and quiet like I had before.

But I can’t really complain. I dress like a hipster. Mostly because I am like one of those parasitic wasps that one finds in bee hives. I look like them to live amongst them… And prey off them.

Pity I look like a twat.

Three shots of whiskey. They may not stand for anything but at least they're not violent.

1)       Jandels to our Kiwi brethren and flip flops to the Brits, Who knows what the Yanks call them, backless sandals probably the literal minded douches (Hey, any culture that calls a blanket a 'comforter' deserves all the shit I can heap on them.)

2)       A type of tights that looks like pants (Not really.) but aren’t actually

---

Cookie Restaurant and Bar

This is Cookie's beautiful flaw.

It is too much.

It has too much stuff. It's open too much. And the staff are too much.

Seriously. 50 wines by the glass? Circa 800 bottles? 15 beers on tap? 200 in glass or can? 100+ al la cart menu items? 100+ house cocktails? Stoned and drunk hipsters and boring beer, wine and cocktail nerds serving bar? (Seriously guys, just get me a drink; stop being cooler than thou/giving me a chemical description of what I'm drinking.)

Too much. Plus they are open 15 hours a day. The overheads at this place must be insane.... If anybody wonders why the staff are shitty, it's because they are drunk, over-tired, and full of themselves.

Cookie is great,... if you can get in (Which you can't because you're not cool enough.) and if the staff are nice to you (Which they won't be because you're not cool enough.).

That said. The food is amazing. The cocktails are amazing. And, while the wine and beer lists are a bit incomprehensible to the average punter, they are genius. There are some comparative bargains in the mad incomprehensible pages that form both book-like menus. Unfortunately if you want something in particular you might be given a disappointing "out of stock" response by the bar-person (Sometimes after too long a wait.). But usually there will be an appropriate substitute.

>>Aside:
Speaking of too long a wait. The cocktail bar. Anybody who complains about waiting 5 minutes for a drink that takes 10 minutes to make is a moron who deserves to be punched repeatedly in the face and have their head set on fire.
A cocktail that takes 5 minutes to make will take probably about 10 minutes to reach you. More than that if you decide that you want to move tables and fail to tell the person who served you and more again if someone else ordered a cocktail before you. Just think about the number of people ordering cocktails on a Friday or Saturday night. (Seriously, rub those two brain-cells together for a minute.) Just because you want a mojito doesn't mean one will magically appear. You all some spoilt bitches yo. The cocktail bar is busy.... And it doesn't have time for your shit.

>>Back to the review.
The tea list is stripped down to a "simple" 14 options, which I guess adheres to the maxim of "keep it simple stupid" but it's still too long and coffees take too long to recieve despite the barista's best efforts. (He's also the wine waiter in addition to everything else he does.)

Later, the place becomes a bit of a nightclub and the atmosphere changes. Different DJ's each night set the mood for each evening. On week-nights the range is eclectic with a regular schedule on the week-end.

Friday's starts out with Nigel Last punching out some classic rock and funk. Unfortunately he is followed followed by your regular range of derivative house and RnB.

Paul the Saturday DJ plays pure disco with some of the rarest tracks one has ever heard being rolled out to the masses.

The odd one out (And proud of it.) is Sunday. The Sunday night DJ, Mr Geoffrey, puts out a incomparable selection of noir film soundtracks and 80s electro. Delightful.

Cookie is amazing. A little too amazing sometimes. And sometimes it's a little full of itself. But maybe it has a right to be. Maybe, when one is so close to perfection, one has the right to arrogance....

But maybe they should just get over themselves.

Four shots of whiskey. Because they are trying.

Hi there y'all!

Howdy doin’ fellow Melbournites and Visitors to Melbourne,

For some time now I have been working in Melbourne’s many and various pubs, clubs, cafes, bars and restaurants…… How long I hear you ask? Long enough I say. Let’s say that being the guy at the party (Because Melbourne culture is a 7 day a week party.) who does all the work and then cleans up the mess has left me a little jaded.

This is not to say that I now hate Melbourne’s fine cultural experience but more that I want to share my particularly different point of view. I am a bartender, just a bartender. Or so I’m told by many. So if I am a bartender then let me tell you a bartender’s tale.

It’s a long one and while I have my plans to get out; they may fail and it may turn into a lifelong tale. No matter. If that is the case then I shall observe and then report all I see here… (As much as I can in any case, this may very well get me fired.)

Anyhoo, must dash. I leave you with a full, even-handed review of my last full time position. I have worked many a bar since then. Hopefully someone will make me Samurai again. Until then I am Ronin: A bandit. A scoundrel.

A critic.

Ciao.